Hester's Happenings: Stella Jo

Stella Jo is 11 weeks old today! I can't believe how fast time flys. My maternity leave is coming to an end and I only have about a week left. I have enjoyed and loved spending every minute of every day with my baby girl. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It is such a special time to get to nurture that mother/daughter bond and to watch her grow and discover the world around her. And although I haven't gone back to work yet, I already have the working mother's "guilt". I'm torn between a world where I want to stay home with my daughter and a world where I want to use my degree and have a career. There is more to me than just being a wife and now mother, I want to have ownership over something. However, I've never met anyone who regretted staying home and raising their children.

I'm torn because I want to be there for every little thing she experiences, I don't want to miss anything by being at work. But at the same time I want to be able to show Stella that you can have both a family and a career, that you don't have to choose. That you can be a successful career woman and a wonderful mother. I really want to set that example for her so when she grows up and has a family of her own she'll know it's okay to want it all. And maybe working will make me a better mother because I'll be more attentive and not take the time we spend together for granted. What is it they say? "It's not the quantity of the time you spend with your kids but the quality." I just feel like either way I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Going back to work makes me feel guilty and a little bit selfish and staying home makes me feel like that's all there is. And....I'm going to get deep here for a minute so brace yourselves....when I die I don't want it written on my tombstone "she worked hard" I want it to say "here lies a wonderful wife and caring mother." I just don't think there's a clear path and no matter what I do I have a feeling that I'm going to have guilt no matter what, I think that's just the nature of the beast. And whose to say you can't do both? Why can't my tombstone read "here lies a wonderfully fulfilled wife and mother. Who worked hard and loved her family."

Luckily, the decision is not up to me because the Hester house is a two income household maybe one day I'll get to experience what it's like to stay home but for now I am a working mama. I am excited to go back to work though and get back into the swing of things and into a routine, it's just going to be hard. I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time. Luckily my mom and Clint's mom are going to take turns watching her during the week. So at least I know she's going to be well taken care of and absolutely spoiled. :) And if I can't stay home with her at least she'll have the next best thing, her grandma's.